So, I’m gonna start with a disclaimer. I’m no Cesar Chavez. I don’t think I ever will be. I’m just some guy. I’m not trying to compare myself to him in terms of the effect he had on the world, and I’m okay with that disparity.
But there are some parallels. For starters, both of us are activists. I may be a tiny little shit, just a fleck to be forgotten by history, but I do try to do what I can to advance the causes (read: help the people) I care about. For another thing, both of us are activists for a group of people we aren’t a part of. With Cesar, it was laborers and farm workers (he used to be one, but wasn’t by the time his activism started). With me, it’s trans people.
(And I’ve got a bit of that used-to-be, not because I’m a detransitioner, but because I was a boy who felt awkward and out of place and questioned his gender (and sexuality) once, too. Hell, I still question my gender sometimes, but that’s mostly because of all the people calling me an egg. All I have to do is imagine shaving my beard and I can feel the testosterone levels rising. No way. Beaucephalus is here to stay, red or gray.)
And the last similarity is that we’re both middle-aged straight guys with a lot of privilege. And that’s kind of an important one. I’ve got more than Cesar did, being a whole ass honkey, but make no mistake, men have privilege.
If you’re at all familiar with him and his work, you probably are aware of what has been coming out about him lately. It’s the same that’s come out about far too many men in positions of power. He was, apparently, using that power to take sexual advantage of young women.
How does that relate to me?
Well, that’s easy. What do people call my Discord server? They call it my ‘harem’. Never mind that I’ve objected numerous times and the server has a bunch of lesbians in it. The vibe is there. And the average age in my server is… Well, young enough to be my kids. Older than my two sons, for sure, and some of them are outside of that age (I’m not even the oldest one there, though I’m in the top 3).
That not good enough? Take a look at my TikTok followers. No shit, they’re like 50% trans women and at least 20% trans men. I’m not popular with people who have all the same privileges as me, is what I’m saying.
And the thing is… I’m a flirt.
Yes, I’m demisexual. If I dislike you or just don’t know you, there’s precisely zero chance that I’ll try something or even let you get away with trying something. But I’m also a bleeding heart, and I warm up to people fast. And like I said, I’m a flirt. I can’t help it. I love to say and do things that make people feel desired.
I’ve already had a close call with impropriety once. I almost made a stupid decision because I liked someone who was way too young and immature for me. Fortunately, I had just enough self-awareness to talk to some people whose judgement I trusted about it, and they talked me out of it.
But the thing is, I know a lot of really awesome people, many of whom are really attractive, and they’re flirts, too. And most of them have their fair share of issues. Things that could push them into behavior that they might not engage in, with a level head. Decisions made as exceptions to a rule that exists for a reason, but which other factors might make them forget.
Did I mention that a bunch of those lesbians have flirted right back with me? And some have even come out and said “Matt could get it”. More than half, in fact. And a few have straight up propositioned me already. That’s not a boast, by the way. Most people aren’t 100% straight or gay. I’m not so special, and I have no doubts that I would be able to ‘change’ a lesbian. She’d still be a lesbian.
Now, I’m not single. I have a beautiful, kind, funny, smart and mature woman who makes me happy as hell, and whom I’d never betray (we’re both geared for monogamy). But I’ve already set my momentum. And there’s no guarantee that that amazing woman will find me as viable a partner in a year or two.
So here’s the thing. Let’s say she leaves me. I’d be heartbroken, for sure. And I do stupid things when I’m heartbroken. In fact, I think I’ve rebounded my way out of every heartbreak I’ve ever experienced.
When my ex-wife left, I slept with a coworker within a week. Within a month, I’d slept with someone I met on TikTok. Within three months, I had a girlfriend I’d met on TikTok. By the time we got to the one year mark, I’d slept with 7 different women, and was in the early stages of building my current relationship.
Yeah, I’m demisexual. It’s a person’s personality and character that really turns me on and makes me want to touch them inappropriately. But I’m also a fucking whore. I’ll fall in love at the drop of a hat, and I’ll toss back the Kool-aid on someone long before I’ve actually gotten to figure out who they are, because I think they’re an awesome person.
And, to be clear, I know there’s something about me that’s responsible, not just for my willingness to do that, but for my partners’ willingness. I’ll be damned if I know what it is, because I look like a ginger Sasquatch and I’ve got the personality of the teenage nerd I used to be mixed with all the trauma of a combat vet. I’m not being self-deprecating, I legit don’t know what’s fucking sexy about me, but I can’t deny that there is a substantial number of people out there who find me sexy. Since it ain’t my looks or my money (Hah! What money?), it’s something I’m doing.
Here’s a question for you. What’s the difference between being on your best behavior (putting your best foot forward, showing your good side to the camera), and manipulating someone into thinking you’re a better person than you actually are? You can’t deny that both of those things happen. You can’t minimize the harm of the latter unless you’re a sociopath, and you can’t claim you’ve never done the former unless you’re so deep in the spectrum as to have no ability to be anything but 100% you, 100% of the time.
So what’s to stop me from taking an offer to get me out of the house for a few drinks while I’m still nursing my feefees from a breakup and then waking up in a lesbian’s bed, covered in her bodily fluids and forming the gooey center of a regret she’s gonna carry around for years?
And don’t tell me about how a big girl can sleep with whoever she wants, because I’ve already worked out that I’m doing something to make her think that hooking up with my hairy ass is gonna be anything but a regret. I’m doing something that makes her think “this guy isn’t what I’m attracted to, but I wanna slap slippery parts with him, anyways.”
What’s more is that it’s a slippery fucking slope to go from being desired by some people to thinking you’re desired by everyone. I have stuck my foot in my mouth multiple times, even in my own server, by pushing the flirting further than I should. It’s an easy thing to do. And while, to my knowledge, I’ve never done it, it would be very easy to push that flirting hard enough that someone feels compelled to ‘consent’ even though they really didn’t want to.
I don’t have to blackmail some 22yo into giving me a handy in my office to completely fuck someone over on that level. I don’t even have to be a fucking pervert and secretly want to do improper things with the 18yos I’m surrounded by to end up doing the same damn shit.
And you’re right, I’m no Cesar Chavez. I’m not even in the same league. I’m barely playing the same game as him. But I’ve got the same opportunities. I could have snatched up the cherry of a 22yo virgin last year, had at least three threesomes with married couples (lesbians, all of them) and been there as the rebound for two close friends dealing with a heartache.
And yeah, I’m monogamous, and I value my promises, but there’s someone out there right now who, if my girlfriend started kissing her, would find me balls deep inside of her in no time flat. Being committed to one person doesn’t mean that all those existing attractions just go the fuck away.
Now, what happens if I somehow find my niche and start making an impact and growing in reputation and power? What happens if I sell a million copies of one of my books and don’t need the day job that gives me that work->girlfriend->sleep routine? What happens when I’m on the road, fundraising or signing books or following in one of my main character’s footsteps and getting trans people the fuck out of this shithole country while my girlfriend is waiting for me at home?
What happens when a cute person (and let’s be clear here, I’m mostly straight, but that word ‘mostly’ is carrying a lot of weight. I’ve seen twinks I 100% would get it up for and I know men, cis and trans, who are interesting and compelling enough people that I’d never question starting a gay relationship with them) gives me a wink and starts commiserating with me about how lonely it is on the road?
Even assuming I keep my dumbass hands to myself, I’m still doing some stupid shit that makes some people really want to ride ole Jormugandr. And with any kind of power imbalance, that’s a scary thought.
I’ve got my own regrets about hookups. I know from talking to cis women and trans women that these sorts of emotional issues can be a lot more complex in estrogen-dominant minds, too. And the last thing I want is to be the one who fucked somebody up with regrets over a stupid hookup.
So yeah, this has been a bit rambling, I know. But it’s something I worry about a lot. Not because I’m afraid of being cancelled or Me-Too-ed, but because I don’t want to be that guy that someone has to avoid in order to maintain their peace of mind. I already am that to some people that I know of, and probably a few whom I don’t know of, and that shit feels horrible. The last thing I want to do is add to that count.
Now for the disclaimer. You all know I’m surrounded by trans women. I am categorically not saying that straight(ish) cis men should not hook up with or date trans women. In fact, I would like to see more men opening their fucking minds and hearts to dating trans women, because I hear a lot about loneliness from these women, especially the straight ones. Men, there are some absolutely gorgeous, genius, talented, hilarious women out there who get almost no masculine attention because of the bigotry out there.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I need to be careful. And I know there are a lot of guys out there who don’t spend as much time trying to figure out how to write themselves as the bad guy in other people’s stories as I do, who also want to help people and advocate for them. When you do that, you’re taking a position of power, simply by being a member of the dominant class (men, especially white men). We need to acknowledge that position, and acknowledge that we don’t have to be absolute monsters in our own stories to become a monster in someone else’s. We need to make sure that we’re not taking advantage of that power, no matter how sexy and flirty the people around us might be. If something happens and it’s a natural thing, there’s nothing wrong with that. But as the person in the position of power, it is up to us to make sure that power is not what is making it happen. Because if it is, you’re no better than Cesar.