Trigger Warning: This post contains some frank discussion of sexual matters. Not sexual as in ‘human sexuality’, sexual as in detailed descriptions of specific sexual acts and/or features.
Additional note: I’ve substituted various slurs in quotes here for ‘tgirl’ or ‘trans woman’, and I have no intention of marking where I’ve done so, because it’s literally all but one instance.
- bros got all the bussy tech me ur secrets 😭
- unc how do i land a tgirl?
- I also find trans women attractive, but I have no idea how to approach one. Do you have any advice?
- Bros dating a literal porn star, how you do that????
- what i gotta do to crack a tgirl???
- Do you mind if I ask how to approach trans women?? I like them more than cis women, but I have no idea what I’m doing…
- yo where u find all these t baddies??/
Those are all real comments I’ve gotten on my online content. Some were in chat during live events, some posted on videos I have on TikTok. And these aren’t all of them. Most happened in live chats, and not in streams I control, so I have no access to them anymore. I’ve also been asked out loud by other participants in live chats, and even a few times in person.
If you’re a trans woman reading those, you likely had the same reaction I usually have “Ugh. Chaser vibes.”
(Go ahead, call me an egg, we both know you want to.)
Maybe it’s because I’ve done some diving into feminist theory and literature, even before getting to know any trans people. Maybe it’s because there’s a large part of me that always rejected hookup culture on multiple levels (never so much as to refrain from it, though, which probably says something about me which I won’t dwell upon now). Or maybe it’s just because I’m not an asshole. But I always find these kinds of comments and questions off-putting.
Don’t get me wrong. If I could develop a dating app that I knew would succeed for cis men to meet straight, bi or pan trans women right now, I would. I would write an advice blog for that app and spam it out to the men using it. I know enough lonely, straight trans women that it emotionally affects me. They’re beautiful, kind, interesting people who deserve to have that special someone in their lives, and they have to content themselves with being used for sex by men who don’t give a rat’s ass about them. It breaks my heart.
There are moments that I wish I could fully embrace polyamory and give a little bit of myself to all these women (at least, the ones who’d want it from me). But I’ve always straddled the line between polyamory and monogamy, and always leaned more towards the latter in doing so. And at this point in my life, it’s not even entirely up to me. There’s someone else’s consent I’d need.
On those rare occasions when one of these women does find herself a man (or discovers that she can be happy with another woman or an NB person), I find myself overjoyed for her. I’m ecstatic that she found her person, and it feels, in some way, as if all has been set right in the world, for a bit.
So if I feel bad for lonely straight trans women, and I’m happy for those who find a man, why then, do I have such an adverse reaction to men expressing interest in dating a trans woman?
I’ve thought about that a lot. I think the reason is because I know what younger me was like, and I know what many other men are like, and I find it hard to believe that the sentiments expressed to me go beyond the mere sexual, into the romantic.
At twenty-two, if I had met a trans woman and not been shamed out of talking to her by cis-het norms, I can’t say with any confidence at all that I wouldn’t have treated her as a sexual object. Something to gratify my own desires, but not a ‘real woman’ to start a relationship with.
And science shows that younger me would not be alone in this. The objectification, particularly in a sexual sense, of trans women is well studied and widely known about. See here, here, here, here or here.
I can say this with much confidence: Some of the men (and boys) asking me that question are doing so because they fantasize about being topped by a woman, and don’t believe a cis woman will do it, or are too embarrassed to ask a cis woman to do it. Some of them want a hot girlfriend who can’t get pregnant. Some of them simply want to ‘try out a tgirl’ (those aren’t scare quotes, that’s me using the exact phrase I’ve heard a few times before). Some more want a partner who will, by necessity owing to her own social status, be dependent upon them, willing to perform sexually, emotionally and financially for them to avoid being cast aside, thus assuaging their own insecurities. Far too many (read: any number above zero) want a woman they can abuse as they see fit, who can’t do anything about it.
And some are just men who find trans women attractive, but are too afraid of stepping out of their cisgender, heteronormative lane to meet one.
I don’t really know how to spot the difference in those comments. But I can damn sure spot the difference in a few minutes of talking about trans women to these guys.
I have, owing to my own algorithm being both decidedly masculine and decidedly queer with a strong focus on trans people, found myself in online spaces devoted to what they usually refer to as ‘C4T’, or cisgender people (invariably men) interested in transgender partners (usually, but not always women).
I’ve heard the term elsewhere, too. I’ve had trans women who found me attractive tell me that I’m C4T because her being trans was not a problem for me. I’ve heard other trans women mention looking for C4T guys, or wishing more guys were C4T. But despite those more positive uses, I personally find the term a little ick. Because it implies a strict preference. and in so doing, implies that term that haunts me at night; ‘Chaser’.
Getting back to those spaces for C4T men, I’ve made a few observations. The men in these spaces always treat this label as if it were a sexual identity, comparable to being heterosexual or homosexual. They discuss being accepted more broadly by society, of spreading their message that love is love and hate is unacceptable. And they trade tips for talking to, dating and having sex with trans women. They discuss how to spot a top, how to tell who’s a lesbian and who’s bi and who’s straight. And they rate and judge the women they pursue.
And they, invariably, treat those women like prizes to be won through competition with each other. Men brag about their body counts or the qualities of their latest score. Given the disparity in numbers between cis men and trans women (especially non-lesbian trans women), I’ve even seen multiple conversations in regionally-restricted groups (yes, there’s more than one in my area) about the sexual prowess of individual women. This one’s a pillow princess, this one’s a top, this one likes to ride cowgirl, this one has the tightest asshole.
I have, in my entire life, never once seen two men discuss how tight a particular cis woman’s pussy was, except in an effort to be edgy and crass. But I have, at least once, watched two men discuss how tight a particular trans woman’s asshole was, in detail and complete seriousness.
Here’s a fun ‘fact’ that I can thoroughly debunk that I have seen frequently tossed around in such spaces. “Trans women have thicker, more powerful sphincters that grip tighter that cis women’s.”
Look, I have anally topped cis women, trans women and even a cis man once. Why anyone would believe this beyond wishful thinking is beyond me. Tightness is generally a result of a lack of relaxation, and unless you’re some kind of needle-dicked bug-fucker, the ole dirt road is always gonna be tighter than a vagina. And the size and strength of anal sphinters is genetic and possibly environmental, not determined by sex. To be frank, I have been with cis women who have powerful goddamn cigar cutters and trans women who have a yawning abyss back there.
So I think, at this point, I’ve made a case for the title of this post. But I’m not done.
Because I am a man who is attracted to a rather large number of particular trans women. And while it is true that I am generally monogamous and interested mainly in long-term relationships, and it is true that I currently am in a relationship with a woman whom I hope to marry and live out the rest of my life with, I am not immune to sexual attraction.
I’m mostly demisexual. But I’m also a fucking whore (not in the ‘willing to cheat’ sense though, fuck that noise). So while it takes more than looks for me to be attracted to someone, it doesn’t take much more than a conversation or two and her (or, to be fair, he) not being hideously ugly. And there are precious few hideously ugly people in the world. I like tall girls, small girls, girls with dicks, call girls, girls who get naked on the ‘Gram, as The Dare said.
And I’m on the spectrum and I overthink every goddamn thing. I mean, I’m still writing a blog in 2026, for fuck’s sake. So naturally, I keep asking myself the question of where the line is between me and a chaser. And that leads to the question, am I a chaser?
The easy answer is that any man who fetishizes trans women is a chaser. I don’t particularly fetishize trans women. If I were single, I’d have no objections or qualms whatsoever about having sex with a cis woman. But I absolutely do find trans women attractive. There is definitely something appealing about many of the nudes I’ve seen, where it is crystal clear that she is trans, because I can see her princess wand as clear as day. And drawing out from that, I can honestly say that I find trans penises attractive. And that attraction has got at least a touch of fetishistic influence on it, as do all such attractions.
But I also find vaginas attractive, and I’ve seen many very attractive nudes of cis women. I like large breasts. I like small breasts. I like large dumpers and tiny little tails. I like cute little button noses and big honking beaks. I like thin lips and thick lips. I like petite little women and big muscle mommies. All of those things have their own flavor, their own appeal, their own sensuality that I like (assuming I like the person with those features, of course).
Does that mean I fetishize feminine features, and my hind brain is just happy to put a small, delicate little princess wand (or, to be clear, a cute lil boystick, because I’m not that straight), with or without a pair of little balls, firmly in the ‘feminine’ category? In that case, maybe I don’t have a touch of fetishizing trans women, and I just fetishize femininity because it’s what I’m attracted to.
So by that metric, maybe I’m not a chaser. But then… The last five people I’ve had sex with were all trans women. Ruh-roh. We’re back in chaser territory.
That one, at least, is easy to explain away. About 60% of my TikTok following (of well over ten thousand people, which is a mind-blowing number in and of itself) are trans women. Most of the people who joined my discord server, where 80% of my social life has occurred, in the past few years have been trans women. My prime social circle consists of seven trans women, one or two cis men, and my two kids. The next circle out is probably even more demographically trans-feminine. So it’s little wonder that my sexual life over the past few years has been dominated by trans women: I’m surrounded by them. It hasn’t stopped me from flirting with cis women, or even asking cis women out when I was still single.
And now we get to the last part of asking if I identify as a chaser. The answer to that is a resounding no, because from where I sit, chasers are just another flavor of creeps, and I categorically do not want to be a creep. I’m sure I’ve gone too far from time to time in my flirting and stuck my foot in my mouth, given someone chaser vibes. I’m kind of an idiot, it’s inevitable that there’s at least one trans woman out there who, when my name is mentioned, responds “Ugh, that guy’s a chaser.” And, you know what? Fair enough.
I am attracted to many trans women. I do find many trans women sexually desirable. I very much enjoyed (almost, but we’re not getting into that) every time I’ve had sex with a trans woman. And I’m notoriously horny; not because I actually have an outsized libido, but because I absolutely love to pretend that I do, and I love to flirt with people. And people who meet an insanely horny man who won’t stop flirting with trans women are within their rights to call that man a chaser. It doesn’t make them correct, but still.
And now I’m circling back around, to bring it all together. And we’re going to a place where I inevitably end up every goddamn time I try to do a write-up on what it’s like to date a trans women, or write advice on how to meet or date trans women.
Trans women are women.
That’s it. If you want my advice on how to meet or date trans women or my thoughts on what it’s like to be with trans women, and your buddy wants the same info about cis women, you’re both getting the same response.
Yeah, there’s some differences there when it comes to sex. But I haven’t had sex with that many trans women. I’m not sure I wouldn’t just be talking about the differences between the specific trans women I’ve had sex with and the average cis woman I’ve had sex with.
But everything that isn’t specifically about putting a baby in a trans woman (and if you’re not getting her pregnant, you’re not trying hard enough) is literally just the same.
So yeah, with that simple fact in mind, that trans women are women, I can’t help but get the ick every time I see or hear C4T being used to describe me or any other guy. I learned a while back that ‘gynosexual’ was a word, and I have been using that to describe myself ever since, because that’s the term that doesn’t suggest, at least to me, that any woman I date or hook up with needs to be on her guard around me.