By Matthew Aadland
“YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM GARLAX, THE RENDER OF FLESH, PUNY MORTAL!”
My voice echoed off the stone walls. It was a scream of agony, the crack of bones and the rumble of a volcano all at once, erupting from my chest in a guttural roar that had driven the most resolute warriors into despair and insanity.
The young human shrieked in fright and darted from its hiding spot beneath the counter. I gave chase, my five hundred pound bulk rattling the stone walls with every step. It ran through a short hall and out of a door too small for me to fit through.
Undeterred, I reached into the font of hellfire within me and shed mass as I ran. By the time I reached the threshold, I slipped easily through the portal. The human child was nowhere to be seen. I stopped and cast out my senses. The blinding daylight receded, replaced with a diffuse, scattered luminescence. Lichens and grass glowed dimly while insects spread tiny, glittering stars across the courtyard. A sparkling mist led from the door I just emerged through, around the fountain and between the stable and the smithy, where a bright halo could be seen between the buildings.
Foolish child. The curtain wall was thirty feet tall, and in the narrow gap between these two structures, there was not a handhold to be found. I allowed my demonic senses to recede. The sun was still a blinding glare, but after seven centuries in the mortal realms, it was little more than a mild inconvenience. I stalked towards the gap, regaining my bulk to send a clarion tremor through the ground with each step.
“I HAVE FOUND YOU, TASTY MORSEL!” I announced as I stalked forward, into the shadows. “I SHALL FEAST ON YOUR LIVER AND SLAKE MY THIRST WITH YOUR BILE!“
The child, rather than cowering as I expected, leapt out from behind a broken wagon wheel, a tiny bent stick in its hands. It’s voice was minuscule, but confident. “You should have run while you had the chance, demon! My sword shall slay thee! Attack!”
At his last word, the slight rustling I’d been hearing from the roof of the smithy turned into the patter of two sets of tiny feet and the clamoring of two war cries that made up in enthusiasm what they lacked in depth and volume.
I barely felt the two figures -triplets with the one before me- as they landed on my broad back, tiny hands grasping at the fleshy folds of my wings for purchase. I bellowed and thrashed, but not too hard. “I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOULS AND SHIT THE SCRAPS ONTO YOUR ROTTING CORPSES!“
The first child, Trevor, danced forward, nimbly avoiding my thrashings and poked its tiny stick into my belly. I didn’t feel it at all through my thick hide, but I saw it happen.
“AUGH! I AM SLAIN!” I cried, twisting my body around as I fell backwards so as not to squish Terry and Timothy. I hit the dirt with a thud that echoed through the courtyard and threw dust off the walls of the keep. The human children, in their infinite sadism, proceeded to crawl all over me, minuscule hands seeking out the ticklish spots their traitorous father had told them of.
Yes, demons are ticklish. It is not widely known, and I will destroy you utterly if you repeat it to anyone.
…
I mean it.
My involuntary laughter crashed through the castle and the hills beyond it like the war cries of a rampaging army of lesser demons. By the time I’d extricated myself from the squirming mass of giggling children, their mother, the queen, stood in the door of the keep, watching us with practiced patience.
“My husband is off fighting a war, and this is where I find you, Garlax?” Her tone was scolding, but the humor in her eyes belied it.
I stood ponderously, Timothy still trying to get to my waist with its spider-hands, but too short to do more than brush my hip. “KING LEONARD PERMITTED ME TO REMAIN BEHIND,” I responded soberly, hoping she wouldn’t press the issue, “AS HE DID NOT EXPECT TO DO MORE THAN LAY SIEGE TO THE DUKE’S CASTLE.“
I scooped Timothy up and placed him on my right shoulder, then paused to see to the other two, who began clamoring for the same treatment as soon as they witnessed their brother’s good fortune.
“I HAVE SENT AN IMP TO WATCH OVER HIM. IF THERE IS A SORTIE, I WILL KNOW IMMEDIATELY, AND I WILL WALK THE SHADOWS TO FIGHT BY HIS SIDE.“
The queen shook her head slowly in bemusement. “And I suppose the crown prince asked you to keep us safe, in the meanwhile.”
I nodded. It was true, prince Eldon had indeed asked me to keep his mother and brothers safe. I did not mention that I had asked to stay behind. I could not speak falsehoods like the humans could, but I could omit details on occasion.
“And you are doing so by playing slay-the-demon with these three, terrifying half the kingdom with your dire threats?”
I could refuse her commands. I could receive any commands given to me by her husband, the king I was bound to serve, with any level of literalness I wished. I could interpret them in creative ways that would leave me with remit to slaughter and slay to my dark heart’s content. I could, as I just said, have omitted a detail. But I could not refuse to answer a direct question asked of me by a mortal who knew my name. And thought I was reticent to say it, that reticence was born of instincts that had been dulled and reshaped by centuries of service to the kings of Elegiland.
“IT IS FUN TO PLAY WITH THEM.” I muttered as quietly as I could. Which made the utterance about as quiet as a landslide. I continued in an effort to salve my wounded pride. “IT MATTERS NOT WHERE IN THE CASTLE I AM. EVEN SHOULD THE DAEMON LUCIFAX, HE WHO ONCE DARED TO DEIGN HIMSELF MY GREATER, DESCEND UPON THIS PLACE, I WOULD FIND HIM BEFORE EVER HE LAID A TALON UPON ANY WHO DWELL HERE AND FLAY THE SERPENTINE SKIN FROM HIS GENITALS TO FASHION FOR YOU A NEW PAIR OF GLOVES!“
Queen Esmeralda laughed, a pure, crystalline sound that once would have driven me into a killing rage, but now brought nothing but relief with it. “Very well, Garlax. Carry on. Do try to keep the threats of dismemberment to a minimum, though. The townsfolk are not as accustomed to you as the royal family.” She turned and disappeared inside.
I lifted the children off my shoulders and placed them on the ground. “Do you want to play again, Garlax?” Trevor asked me. “YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER,” I responded, thinking of what else we could do.
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ME BITE THE HEAD OFF AN AUROCHS?” I asked.
Wild cheers erupted.